Always, Forever

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning."

- Ivy Baker Priest

Sentimental One-shot. AH. E/B. Bring your tissues and hold on tight ...

Green. Brown. White. Gray.

Those are the colors that surround me.

It’s all wrong, and yet it’s so right too.

My heart aches, but not in a way that’s painful, just enough to serve as a reminder of what I’ve lost. The crack that once split my heart in two has healed since then. It’s been fitted back together, and if someone were to look upon me now, they’d never know.

I look around me at the birds, the trees, never really glancing directly in front of where I stand.

“Do you remember the day we met?” I ask aloud, not really expecting an answer.

There isn’t one.

My eyes slide closed, remembering …

Pale skin. Bronze hair. Long, slender limbs.


Beautiful.


Men aren’t supposed to be beautiful, but he was.


“Bella, aren’t you listening to me?” My best friend asks from beside me.


No, no I’m not, I think to myself.


When I don’t answer she follows my gaze, and even from my peripheral I can see her smirking.


“He’s pretty cute isn’t he?” She asks instead, still smiling.


I’m not evening paying her attention. “No.”


Alice frowns, obviously confused by my answer. “No?”


I shake my head. “He’s beautiful,” I breathe.


I think she’s laughing at me. In fact, I know she is, but I also know she can see the look on my face, the complete adoration I’m feeling.


My stare is heavy, unyielding, and it’s like he can feel the pull of it as I dare him to look up at me.


He does.


And all I see is green, drowning me.


I should look away, be ashamed of my rudeness, but I’m not and I can’t. He either doesn’t mind, or he doesn’t care because the next thing I know he’s smiling.


It’s just a little smirk, the uplifting of one side of his mouth, but to me it’s like my entire world has shifted off its axis and then righted again.


My stomach is fluttering uncontrollably, a strong urge to approach him building up from deep within.


So I do.


I hear Alice say my name, a question in her voice because this behavior is so not me.


“Hi.”


The words are simple, spoken softly from a voice that doesn’t sound like my own, but I know it is.


“Hi,” he replies, and his voice sounds like warm honey to my ears.


Beautiful.


His eyes light and dance with an emotion I can’t place, his smirk turning in a full-on smile, and it’s then that I realize I’ve spoken the word aloud.


Heat licks its way up my cheeks, their color reddening with a blush of embarrassment.


“Yeah, you are,” he says next.


It takes me a moment to register his meaning, but when I do my eyes are wide and my blush spreads. He looks just as shocked as I do, obviously not having meant to spoken those words aloud either.


I clear my throat, needing to speak to him, to hear his voice speak back to me.


“I’m Bella.”


My hand thrusts out in front of me, eager to feel his skin touch mine. I bet it’s as soft as it looks.


Long, pale fingers reach out and grab my hand firmly, and I feel I slight jolt when his hand makes contact with mine.


It’s electrifying, a tingling felt throughout my entire body.


He’s felt it too. I can see it in his eyes.


“Edward,” he offers in return, smiling widely.


The name suits him. It’s proper, elegant.


“It’s nice to meet you Edward,” I tell him, knowing I need to return to Alice so we can make it to our next class on time. My heart disagrees, instead it’s telling me this is where I need to stay, that nothing else matters.


He looks like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t. Instead, he smiles politely, “It was nice meeting you too Bella.”


I turn, though every part of my body is fighting me against doing so. It feels the need to remain close to him, to hold on, never let go.


“Hey Edward?”


I’ve stopped walking, halfway between where he still sits staring at me and to where Alice is standing with an indescribable look upon her face.


His eyebrows lift, encouraging me to continue.


“Do you believe in love at first sight?” The question slips through my lips easily, my heart pounding erratically in my chest.


The surprise in his features is obvious, but he quickly wills it away and there’s another look, a determination I know mirrors my own.


“Today I do.”

The images in my memory fade. “That day changed my life, you know. You were everything to me.” I’m instantly reminded of another time in our past, the familiar scene plays itself in my mind, causing me to smile happily.

“Please, just one more time?” I beg, my lip pouted out in a way I know he cannot refuse. His lips purse in a frown, but it’s his eyes, his emerald eyes that tell me he’s not upset in the slightest.

He’s still beautiful.

“Hmm …” his finger taps against his chin. “What do I get in return?”

I’m not expecting his answer, but I don’t show it. Instead I grin up at him mischievously and then reach my fingers out to brush down his chest lightly in a very suggestive manner.

“I’m sure I could think of something …” I trail, looking him directly in the face so he has absolutely no chance of misinterpreting my meaning.

I watch him swallow thickly, and I know I’ve won.

My victory smile cannot be contained.

“Okay,” he agrees, and I suppress a giggle at the strangled sound of his voice.

He dips his body down so I can climb onto his backside. I love the feel of his muscles pressed against my stomach as my legs wrap around his waist. His strong hands grip me under my thighs, and the fire of his heated touch burns me through the thick fabric of my jeans. Every part of my body still tingles from the touch of him.

This is why I ask him for the childish request of a piggy back ride. I’m also sure he’s fully aware of my reasoning.

Getting to wrap myself around him in exchange for anything he’d let me do to him. My mind agrees that this is a fair trade, just as long as I can keep touching him forever.

Squeals of laughter escape me as he picks up his pace, swerving around in mock attempt to throw me off.

I’ve never felt so full of happiness than I am in that moment.

I want that feeling to fill me always.

Always, forever. They’re big words and I was too young to understand their meaning. “We were so damn happy. So in love …” I trail needlessly.

I should’ve known better, but I didn’t. I don’t dwell on those thoughts, however, because today is a happy day. It is one that I will never forget, not for the rest of my life. But right now I’m too lost in the past, and the memories keep coming, playing like a reel of my life before my eyes.

“I love you,” I whisper against his chest, my head nestled there as we lay side by side.

A kiss is placed atop my head, his lips lingering momentarily before his arms pull me closer.

“I love you too, always.”

It isn’t long before his breathing evens out and I know he is asleep. I pull back slightly, just enough to look at his face. He’s so relaxed, his features smooth and calm as he rests. My fingers reach up and stroke his cheek, gently and lovingly.

Work has left him stressed and strained lately. I hate to see the furrow on his brow when he is awake.

I lightly wander across his lips, the dip of his chin, just wanting to feel him.

I always want to touch his skin, to know he’s real and mine.

All mine.

He’s still so beautiful.

It’s hard to imagine the last six months together are real. Everything has happened so fast that sometimes it feels like a dream or that I am living someone else’s life. How’d I get so lucky?

I don’t deserve him, but I know I’ll never let him go. I’m selfish, and I want to keep him close to me.

Always.

Forever.

Dark lashes rest against pale cheeks, pink lips are parted slightly, his steady breaths fanning my face.

Beautiful.

Once again I snuggle down until my face is pressed against his chest as I breathe in his scent and then place my wandering hand over his heart. The steady beating of is against my palm lulls me to sleep, and I am at peace.

It’s the last memory I have of us being truly happy. “Did you know, then?” I ask him, but there’s still no answer. I’d be more worried if there was.

My head doesn’t turn when I hear the sound of tires as someone drives past us, parking their car a little ways away. I swallow thickly, grateful they aren’t near. I’m safe to speak my mind, to immerse myself in what once was, and what will never be again.

He’s gripping his hair tightly, his face flushed red in anger as he paces next to the bed. Our bed.

My trembling form is near the door, ready to dart as my fight or flight instinct kicks in. I’m tired of fighting; so, so tired.

There’s no one thing that has brought us here, no defining moment. It’s the little things: a few words spoken after a long day that weren’t as loving as they should have been, a few too many nights spent ignoring one another because we just couldn’t be bothered.

Most of all we spent too much time being infatuated and not enough time getting to know the other. It’s tragic really, to love someone so much it hurts and yet not know the real them.

“I don’t want to fight about this again Bella. I’ve already told you what I think.” His words are the same as they’ve always been.

He wants to get married now.

I want to wait.

He wants children.

I’m terrified.

He wants to move to the city.

I like familiarity.

“It’s not that I don’t want to marry you, I just don’t want to marry you now.” I’m pleading with him, desperate for him to understand my fear. He doesn’t want to push me, but he’s tired of me saying no.

No to him.

No to everything.

His pacing stops and he turns to me. “You love me, don’t you?” His eyes are so sad. I hate that I’m hurting him like this.

Still so beautiful.

Please don’t look like that, my mind begs.

I answer without hesitation, eyes locking with his steady gaze. “Forever.”

“Then what’s the difference between next year and next month?” He asks honestly, but I don’t have an answer for him. There’s something holding me back, though I have no idea what that something is.

“I don’t know,” I answer just as honestly.

He walks over to me cautiously. My hand drops from behind me where I had been gripping the door handle tightly. The fact that I don’t have an actual answer for him concerns me deeply.

“Okay,” he concedes quietly, easily.

Too easy.

I know the argument is over for now, though it will come up again. Suddenly I’m pressed with the urge to hold on to him, so I do. My arms wrap around his body like they often do, and I hold so tight I think it might hurt him. I hold on like my life depends on it.

Because maybe it does.

Tears finally escape my eyes, and I quickly dab them away before they ruin my make-up. Alice will kill me if I ruin all her hard work. I know she’ll already be upset with me for disappearing, but this was something I had to do, today.

I had to come talk to him. The distance between us is so much greater now than it was then, but it still helps me to talk, to remember.

He’s distant these days, though I don’t blame him.

I’m distant too.

Our love, it was made to last, it was forever. So why do I feel like so lonely?

I know why, but I won’t admit it to myself.

You did this, my mind supplies for me. You wouldn’t marry him, you told him no. It’s a mantra, a reminder, though I can’t recall why I never said yes.

But he no longer asks me. He doesn’t say anything at all.

One year is too short of a time to love him. I want forever, I want always.

He did once too.

“Edward?” I ask cautiously.

I know he’s heard me, his tips in my direction ever so slightly. “Hmm …”

It’s the most he’s said to me all day.

“I … I love you.” I bite my lip, hesitant about how he will receive me words.

To my utter surprise he turns to me, and he … smiles.

Beautiful.

I haven’t him smile in months.

My mouth tugs upward in response. Maybe, just maybe, we’ll be alright.

The memory is short, not giving away how much things really had changed between us. “I should’ve said yes,” I whisper.

I was naïve. We weren’t alright.

We were everything but alright.

My bitter laugh echoes in the wind with the final thought. It’s the only sound I can hear, as Edward still doesn’t speak to me. And it’s then that the final memory of our relationship assaults me, and I’m left unprepared for it.

There’s snow on the ground, the first snow of the season. We should be enjoying it by cuddling up in front of the fireplace and sipping hot chocolate. Or we’d be out in the snow like ghosts of our childhood selves, making snow angels and catching the flakes on our tongues.

Instead, I’m sitting in a cold room, stoic.

Edward is somewhere, probably in his office, packing boxes.

I have no tears to cry, no words to speak.

For I know if I do, I’ll never be able to stop.

He was my forever. My always.

Now he’s my nothing. His impending absence is the ache in my chest, the hole in my heart.

Another box is stacked along the wall across the room from me as he sets it there and then walks back down the hallway in silence.

It’s just another reminder of what I’ve caused to happen …

Edward is leaving.

Leave me.

I shudder, though not from the cold.

“I need more boxes.”

The sudden cut of his voice in the silence startles me, and I stare up at him as he walks into the room and stands several feet away. He never steps closer.

Emerald green eyes stare back.

They are not the eyes of the man I met all those months ago, no longer warm and loving, no longer lighting up with contentment.

Though still beautiful.

I can see a flash of annoyance flash across his face, and I know it’s my silence that is bothering him. He expects me to make him stop, to tell him I want him forever. For always.

But I can’t, so I say nothing.

He gives a curt nod of acceptance that I will do nothing, and he leaves.

I can’t help the shudder that pulses through me suddenly, the impending thoughts of the events following Edward’s departure threatening to be too much. Though I think of them every single day, and I know I always will, there is something different about this day. Somehow the memories mean so much more than they ever did before.

The pounding on the front door startles me awake. It takes a moment for me to register where I am, and I realize that I am still curled up in the oversized chair in our, my, living room. I must have fallen asleep, I realize.

The pounding sounds again.

I rise to make my way towards the front door, an ominous feeling in the pit of my stomach. There is something deep down telling me that I should not answer it, that I should turn around and bury myself under the covers of my bed and never come back out.

The clock on the wall near the door says it is nearly midnight, and I briefly wonder why the sound of the pounding hasn’t woken Edward. He’s such a light sleeper.

The minute the door swings open I know my instincts were right.

My breath hitches and catches in my throat at the sight of two uniformed officers standing before me, both with faces as stoic as the one I wore earlier in the day.

All I hear is static as they speak, their words falling short of comprehension.

“I’m so sorry …”

“… car accident …”

“… drunk driver …”

“… ran a red light …”

I don’t hear any of it, yet I do. Deep down I know they’re telling me the truth because I can feel it.

Edward …

Dead.

My forever, gone.

My eyes are nothing but puddles of tears as I finally release everything I’ve been holding in. The pain is excruciating, nearly unbearable, but I am at the mercy of my emotions and don’t dare to try and stop them.

I am being crushed under the weight of it, suffocated and strangled as I gasp for air.

The last thing I recall from that night is seeing a picture of our smiling faces looking back at me from a nearby bookcase.

… so beautiful.

One of my arms is wrapped around my middle, helping to hold myself together. Even so many years later the emotions run strong, especially today of all days, though I have long run out of tears.

I loved him, yet not enough to allow him to marry me. I didn’t allow forever, though it was what I wanted more than anything. Our love was all-consuming, irreplaceable, and yet we never really had a chance.

Our ups and downs were our own, most caused by my own personal faults, but I knew in my heart that we would’ve made it back to each other in time. All we had needed was a little time.

And now that time was gone.

Finally I allow myself to look upon the sight that rests before me: the simple, gray, marble stone.

Beautiful, just like he was. I smile softly, wistfully.

Taking a deep breath I tell him the real reason I’m here, “I like to think you’d be happy for me.” The fingers of my other hand tightening the hold I have on my dress so that the green grass and brown dirt doesn’t brush against it.

My wedding dress.

“I think you’d like him …” My words are quiet. “He reminds me of you sometimes, though he doesn’t hog the covers like you used to.” My laughter is choked, broken.

“Anyway, I came here to tell you I’m getting married.”

It doesn’t feel odd talking to a headstone. Somewhere, wherever Edward may be, I know he’s listening to what I have to say. I have so much I regret from our relationship, but I’ve already shared all those words with him before.

He’s heard “I’m sorry” and “Please forgive me” more times than I can count, but that’s not what today is about.

Today I want to thank him.

I tell him that his love for me is what let me allow myself to love again, though it wasn’t the same as loving him. I tell him that I miss him and that part of me wishes he were the one meeting me at the end of the aisle in just a few short hours.

Then I thank him for showing me that I don’t have to be afraid of marriage, because forever isn’t much if you don’t get to spend it with the one you love. Marriage is just a piece of paper, a way of sharing with the world the love you feel for one another.

And when I’m done, when I’ve spoken every word I came to say, I press my lips to my fingers before pressing them against the top of the cool stone.

“I love you, always.”

Only then do I turn and realize the car that had driven past earlier is Alice’s. She’s far enough away to have allowed me my space, understanding that I needed to do this on my own, but she’s close enough to be there if I should break.

But I won’t.

I am finally at peace. I am finally ready to walk towards my new forever.