"I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had."
- From the television show The Wonder Years
An: This was originally written for my fundraiser, Foxy Fics, but I thought I would share it with all of you for being such great readers. Foxy Fics is something that I put together to raise money for Parkinson’s Research, all proceeds go to The Michael J. Fox Foundation. You can find out more on my blog: Foxy Fics. I hope you take the time to go look at it.
Buff82 not only beta’d this, but she helped write it. I couldn’t have done it without her, she deserves the world for helping me out. You can thank GinnMeadows for the choice of outtake, she is lovely enough to be not only a reader of my stories, but also an amazing friend. This one-shot is an outtake of my story, Torn, and I do hope you enjoy it, it takes place immediately following Ch. 23 of the original story.
Forever Yours
It was with a heavy heart and a solemn expression that I left Quil’s bedside. He had made it perfectly clear that I had hurt him, and that he would need some time to get over that hurt. My decision was made—strong and solidified—and hopefully he would be accepting of my choice. I still hoped I wasn’t too late.
Shutting the door behind me with a soft click, I stepped out into the hall, taking a moment to assess myself. My eyes burned and ached with unshed tears, my vision blurry. I knew my face must’ve been blotchy from the tidal wave of emotions I’d been experiencing ever since the wee hours of the morning when the first howl had sounded.
Trying desperately not to think of the boy who lay just on the other side of the door, whose broken heart hurt him more than his physical injuries ever could, I turned and slipped passed the door just across the hall. Splashing some cool water on my face, I attempted to wash away the pain. It was no use, however, despite looking a little less chaotic, I still felt utterly awful.
The broken look in Quil’s eyes as he told me what he’d seen haunted me. And it hurt me to know I was the cause of that. However, deep down, I knew he would be fine, Jacob, on the other hand, I wasn’t so sure about. I had to see him— to tell him my decision, because somewhere inside it didn’t feel right to celebrate with Quil when Jacob would be the one who would be hurt the most. No, Jacob deserved me addressing this with him first— Quil could wait just a little longer.
Taking in a deep breath, I gathered myself before unsteadily backing out into the hallway and joining the others in the living room, my body slightly shaking my emotion. Everyone sat quietly, all looking about the same I way I felt—like shit, and I once again felt somehow responsible for Quil’s current state. I scanned the room, but came up empty for the one face I both longed to see and dreaded most in that moment.
“He needed some air,” came a familiar voice from beside me, whispering so that only he and I would hear. “He said you’d know where to find him.” I gave a polite smile and thanked Sam, thinking to myself that maybe he wasn’t so bad after all.
My feet felt like lead weights as I walked to the one place I knew Jacob would go—just past the trees and onto the beach, our driftwood bench resting on the sand. I could just make out the outline of his figure in the glow of the early morning light as it reflected off the bristling waves of the ocean. Even from far away I could read his body language, the way his shoulders hunched and his head hung low, symbolizing defeat.
Jacob knew me well, and I think we both already knew my answer. But I knew what it was like to hope, and I was sure he still held on to a small shred. My stomach twisted in painful knots as I stepped toward him slowly, counting my paces as my feet shuffled through the sand. A lump formed in my throat and my eyes burned as I was still determined to hold back the tears. I merely hoped that Jacob understood why I had to do this.
He didn’t acknowledge my presence, not even as I stopped just a few short feet away, but I could tell he knew I was there. My feet silently sunk into the sand, and I knew I’d regret having worn tennis shoes on the beach. My body hummed in nervous anticipation, my palms sweating, and a queasy feeling rippled through the knots in my stomach.
It was merely moments before he spoke. “Don’t say it,” his broken voice rasped, startling me from my thoughts and a very near panic attack.
His voice, so fractured with defeat crushed me even more. His pain was palpable, surrounding us, and I felt I may suffocate from it. I didn’t know what to say, he was asking me not to be honest. “Jake, I-”
He turned to me then, and the look in his eyes broke my heart, shattering it with the sadness I saw reflected there. “Don’t tell me you’re staying with him when I know you love me too.”
I said nothing, but let my expression show him that this was not an easy decision, that it was hurting me nearly as much as it was hurting him. “I felt it when I kissed you Bella,” his breaths came in short gasps, the emotion of the situation getting the best of him. “Fuck! I felt it,” he all but growled as he pulled at his hair in frustration.
The tears were falling freely now, the dam released. “I do love you Jake.” His eyes widened and remained focused on mine, the hope shimmering there.
“But I love him more.” His face fell with my final words, and I felt as if the air had been knocked from me, never wanting to see that look upon his face again. Let alone be the cause of it.
Silence fell over us, and we stood there, no more than five feet apart, as we stared at one another. My words lingered heavily in the space between us, I had just told my best friend that I was choosing someone else—not him. But I knew I’d made the right decision, despite how I felt in that moment.
I caved under his intense gaze, glancing away quickly, and instead focusing on the sun breaking from the clouds, glowing beams stretched to the horizon. Glancing momentarily at the small house I had just come from, I smiled a little knowing Quil was not far away and soon he would know that I was all his.
It was that very thought that racked my body with guilt. There I stood with Jacob, the one who had openly professed his love for me, only for me to deny him—and I was daydreaming about someone else.
“Why can’t I ever be enough for you?” The words were soft and strangled, I’m not sure I was even supposed to hear them… but I had.
“Jacob,” I began struggling against my own words. “You are more than enough, you are my best friend. You have been there for me during my worst of times; I can’t even begin to tell you how much this,” I motioned between him and I. “Means to me. I need you in my life— but I need you to understand as well.”
He glared at me, sudden anger flaring behind his eyes. I interceded before he could say something he would regret. “When you left me I thought I would never be whole again,” I began, causing his expression to falter, his eyes dropped to his feet.
“I mean, I was already broken, but you were piecing me back together. And then you just weren’t there anymore. I told myself I wouldn’t mourn the way I had in the past, the way I had when Edward left me, I had to be stronger— independent. But it was impossible, the pain was devouring me.” I ran my hands through my hair nervously, the last thing I wanted him to do was to make him feel worse, but he needed to know.
“But then there was this light, this small ray of hope. I didn’t see it at first, but… I didn’t feel as bad, and for that I was grateful. Part of me chalked it up to being numb, but mostly, I always knew there was something more.”
I searched Jacob’s face, attempting to judge his response, all I saw was pain.
“Do you believe in fate Jake?”
He shrugged, his head tipping back, eyes peering to the sky.
“Well, I do— at least I do now. I believe things happen for a reason, and if it hadn’t been for you being there for me when I needed you most, then I would have most definitely perished. And you leaving, that was a part of it. It all led to me finding Quil, and for fate, and for you, I am eternally grateful. You pieced me back together, you helped me find the person I was meant to be with, and what’s more— you’re still here. You haven’t run away, Jake. A lesser man would be gone, would never want to see me again, but here you stand. And do you know what that tells me? That tells me that you care too much to let me go, that you value my friendship too much. I do love you Jake, but if you love me, then you will understand and you will respect that I have follow my heart.”
I watched Jacob take a step backward, feeling that the conversation had come to an end. I thought he would leave, after all— I was asking the world of him.
“You’re right,” he said softly, catching me off guard. “I promised no matter what I would be here for you, and I will. It doesn’t mean I have to like it, and you… you’ve always meant the world to me. I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember, and I don’t say this to make you feel guilty or anything, it’s simply the truth. There never been anyone but you, and do I love you too much to let you go.”
I saw the resolution in his eyes cloud over the pain, but only slightly. I wondered how long that dim light would be there, I hated hurting him.
Wiping away the last remaining tears, I sniffled slightly. Jacob’s words had struck me hard, the open bluntness of his feelings striking me ways I didn’t want to accept. I couldn’t keep him, too, and I would have to learn to live with that fact.
“I am sorry Jake. I meant every word I said— I do love you.” I reached for his hand without thinking, and he took another step back, shaking his head as his eyes fell to the sand.
“I know, Bells. Give me some time, okay?”
I nodded, unable to respond as I watched him turn and run into the woods, the resolute ache in his eyes haunting me. If he needed time to accept my decision, then I owed him that much. I would let him come to me when he was ready.
I stood staring across the ocean for a moment, the water pulling to the sand and then tossing back out to itself; so unsure— into shore, out to sea, I knew the feeling all too well.
With one last deep breath of the cool ocean air, I knew what I needed to do next. Jake’s was the second haunting look that had been bestowed on me today, only this one I hoped I had a chance to make better.
More than anything I wanted to march right back into Sam’s house and demand that Quil speak to me, but I knew that he, too, needed some space. It was the same as with Jake, I would have to let him come to me. It didn’t mean, however, that I couldn’t remain nearby just in case.
When I got back to Sam’s house he and Emily were the only ones there, everyone else had left. I hoped they had gone to find Jacob, I prayed one of them could help ease his pain.
“Hey,” my voice broke against the word. Sam nodded, indicating that Quil was where I had left him. “Thanks,” I smiled at him.
My eyes flitted between Sam and the hallway, my head and heart at war with one another. Emily, thankfully taking notice of my inner battle, saved me from myself.
“Would care to help me in the kitchen?” She asked politely, and I readily agreed, quickly following behind her.
I remained there for several hours, though never stepping foot from my sanctuary of the kitchen for fear that I would go barreling down the hall and into Quil’s room, not allowing him to push me away for a moment longer. Emily took him his meals, and I soon realized that Sam rarely left his side. Nor did the Tribal doctor that would come by to check on him often; he was apparently in on the pack secret, a member of the Elders, Emily explained after I questioned her.
It was late that night, close to when I would need to be leaving in case Charlie began to wonder about me. Emily had just come from the room at the end of the hall, I stood just off to the side of the connecting living room and kitchen, watching her open his door.
“I think you should go see him Bella,” she stated simply as she passed by me.
I was nervous, this could be the end, he could say that he doesn’t forgive me, and although it would be devastating, I would understand. Apprehensively, I shuffled down the hall, it now seemed much longer than it had before, and came to stop in front of the last door on the right—Quil’s door.
Ever so gently I reached out a hand and placed it on the knob, turning in cautiously. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. Relax Bella, it’s only Quil.
The door creaked with a loud pop as I pushed it open, alerting Quil to my presence. I chanced a smile at him, but he only glanced at me and then dropped his head back to his pillow. He was turned toward the wall, looking away from me. And I took that moment to realize that his casts had been removed already, although his arm was still bandaged tightly.
When it seemed that Quil was not going to speak, I sat down on the bed, unsure where to start— but then decided the beginning would be a good place.
“That day on the beach when I saw you sitting there alone, I knew the look on your face. You felt abandoned. I knew that look because it was exactly how I had felt. I see that look in your eyes now, because you think I’ve chosen Jake.”
I pulled the corner of his comforter between my fingers, rolling the fabric as I thought my words over. I could see Quil from the corner of my eye, his anger visibly subsiding as I continued.
“I had to talk to him, Quil, he deserved that much,” my voice was feather-light, the words barely making it to the surface. The bed jostled as he carefully rolled in my direction, keeping his gaze downward as he did so.
“I had to tell him that it was you. You are the one that I want.”
My gaze slid to his, his expression melting as tears filled his dark eyes. “Are you— you’re serious? It’s not Jake?”
I didn’t respond— I couldn’t. I only shook my head, trying futilely to hold back the warm tears that stung my eyes.
Quil’s sobs mixed with laughter as he sat forward with a grunt, grabbing at his side, before reaching for me and pulling my body to his. “Ow,” he groaned between laughs. Unable to hold back any longer, I join his crying laughter as he placed a million butterfly kisses along my face.
“But I thought— I was sure you were going to tell Jacob that you loved him.”
I pulled away, wiping the salty tears from my cheeks. “I do love him Quil.”
His expression fell, confusion setting in as he laid back down. “Then, what does that mean?”
“It means that there will always be a place in my heart for him - he is my best friend, and just as I asked him to respect me following my heart, I will ask that you respect that Jake will always be in my life.”
His brows furrowed over his eyes, “I don’t understand Bella, you can’t love two people.”
I shook my head, “Yes you can, but I think— it’s just that there are different levels of love. I love my Mom and I love my Dad— I love you, and I love Jacob. I wasn’t sure before, I didn’t know the difference for the longest time. But there is a difference.”
Taking Quil’s hand in mine, I ran the pad of my thumb over his rough knuckles. “I was damaged and Jacob put me back together, but there were still pieces missing. Then you came along and you filled those cracks— made me hole again.” Our eyes met and the depth I felt for him was reflected in his onyx orbs.
“So while I love Jacob, and I always will, it’s you who makes me complete. I need you Quil, you are a part of me. I can feel it in the very fabric of my soul.”
He sat speechless, staring back at me in quiet awe. Slowly, his fingers found my face, brushing back a wayward hair. “I know what you mean, I can feel it too. I love you Bella.”
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