"We are torn between a craving to know and the despair of having known." - Unknown
An: Thank you to Buff82 for beta'ing.
Chapter 13: Secrets, Secrets Hurt Someone
With my arm looped through Angela's we walked side by side down a street in Port Angeles. We were thrift store shopping, trying to find furniture for our new place off campus. We had applied for the apartment at the end of last year, but after not hearing back, had little hope in being accepted. The landlord, however, called Angela last week to tell her there was an opening; no more dorm room - we had our own apartment.
"I'm so glad you came, it feels like I haven't seen you in ages," Angela chided me, but with the grin on her face, I knew she was only kidding.
"Sorry about that, I guess I got a little caught up with Quil," I apologized and then giggled when she began to wiggle her eyebrows suggestively. I elbowed her ribs playfully in response.
"Mhmm, I'm sure you were." Angela gave me that 'I know what you've been up to' look, causing me to blush profusely.
"Now there's the Bella I've been missing," she joked, taking pride in my embarrassed state. We continued walking, catching one another up on our summer. We'd only been in touch by phone a couple times and neither of us had been free to get together.
"Oooh, let's go inside this one!" Angela exclaimed suddenly, grabbing me by the arm and dragging me through an open door. I rolled my eyes at her enthusiasm, but I was secretly just as excited. Yes - I, Bella Swan, was excited to go shopping.
It turned out to be a pretty great store, having nothing but discounted, gently used furniture. We managed to get nearly everything on our list, including bookcases, a sofa, and a small dining set. We both left happy and feeling quite accomplished.
"Do you want to grab some dinner?"
"Sure - ," I was cut off as my phone began to ring. The familiar song made me smile, and I scrambled to dig the cell out of my bag.
I found it on the fourth ring and quickly flipped it open, "Hey babe."
"Umm, hi," Quil's voice sounded off and uncertain, peaking my concern.
My brows furrowed, and I tried to conceal my curiosity that everything was alright. "Is everything okay?"
"What? Oh, yeah, everything's fine. I was just wondering … if maybe … you could come back early? You know, for dinner?" his words were rushed and scattered, he almost sounded … nervous? I still had a strange feeling, like something wasn't quite right, but Quil had said everything was fine, so there really was no reason to worry.
I nodded, but then realized he couldn't see, "Sure, Angela and I just finished up, so I can head back now."
He sighed heavily into the phone. "Great, I'll see you then. I have something important I want to talk about." The phone clicked as he hung up before I could even respond.
Closing the phone, I frowned at it, perplexed by the odd conversation I'd just had. "I take it we're not having dinner?" Angela questioned after I failed to speak. I shook my head to clear my thoughts and slipped the phone back into my purse.
"No, sorry, that was Quil. He wants me to meet him, said there was something 'important' he wanted to discuss."
Angela quirked a questioning brow, but I merely shrugged, having no real answer to give her. She was thankfully understanding about the fact that I was ditching her for my boyfriend, one of the many reasons I loved having her as a friend.
We used the drive home, since we'd both ridden in Angela's car, to discuss our plans for the upcoming school year, I would be going back to work at the library in another month and Angela would return to campus shortly after. Since I would be going first it was up to me to set up the apartment - we'd already paid to have our furniture delivered the day after I arrive.
My phone chirped as we made our way into the town limits of Forks, alerting me of a new text message.
Quil: Meet me at my house.
I couldn't help but giggle at the idea that he'd sent me a text message of all things, Quil rarely used the phone I had insisted he get after my departure to college. He only agreed because it meant being able to talk to me on a more regular basis, only leaving it behind when he would phase or go on patrol.
"Quil?" Angela questioned, no doubt coming to that conclusion by the look on my face alone. I nodded and told her that he'd messaged me. I decided, however, that I wanted to drive my own truck over to his house and instructed her to take me home rather than straight to Quil's. We said our goodbyes as she dropped me off and I made plans to meet her for lunch later in the week, promising that I would not 'blow her off' for Quil yet again.
There was no real point in changing my clothes, as I'd already changed them once that day between coming home from Jake's and going out with Angela, so I went straight to my truck. I hadn't seen Quil since early that morning, and I was anxious to get to him; the lack of Angela's presence allowed me to recall the way he sounded on the phone, and my need to get to him increased.
The sun was beginning to set when I arrived. Quil was waiting out front, sitting in one of the old chairs that I often admired, the wooden seats more comfortable than most. I could see him as I pulled into the drive, his leg bouncing obnoxiously as he sat, but as soon as I turned off the engine he was out of his seat and striding over towards me quickly.
I'd no more than closed my driver side door before Quil's arms were wrapped around me and his lips were on mine. The kiss was passionate and heated, like he was putting everything he had, every emotion he felt, into it. It was desperate and needy, but entirely welcome.
"What was that for?" I questioned after he pulled away and I waited for my breathing to return to normal.
"I missed you," he said sweetly, placing a small kiss on my forehead. His actions gave away nothing, but I could see that something was bothering him by the way his smile didn't quite reach his eyes and the way his foot continued to tap nervously on the ground. "Are you ready to eat?"
"Starving, did you cook?" I asked hopefully with a grin; I always loved it when Quil would cook.
He smiled proudly, wrapping one arm around my shoulders. "Don't you know me better by now? Of course I cooked." I eyed him curiously when he steered me away from the house and instead began walking towards the beach, but I didn't question his motives.
'Our spot' came into view moments later, and I stopped short at the sight. There was a blanket lying on the sand, a series of tea candles spread out around it, and a picnic basket placed in the center. Quil had re-created the dinner from my graduation night.
My fingers instinctively reached for the wolf charm dangling around my neck; that had been the night he'd given it to me. I wracked my brain quickly, making sure I wasn't forgetting something important, but could recall nothing; the fact that he'd gone through the trouble of doing something so special for me, with no special occasion to prompt him, made it that much better. "It's beautiful, thank you."
"You're welcome," he murmured as he led me over to the blanket, helping me sit before he took a seat next to me and began to unload the basket full of delicious foods.
We ate, Quil asked me about my morning with Jake and then about my evening with Angela. I told him about the motorcycles and how great it felt to be riding again, and then I gushed about the shop Angela and I had found, being able to get enough items to fill our new apartment. Quil's expression tightened at the mention of my impending absence back to Seattle, so I quickly changed the subject.
"How was your day?" I asked as I laid back on the blanket. The sun had fully set, and I could see the stars twinkling across the sky. That, combined with sound of the waves crashing across the beach, lulled me into a peaceful state. It was great being in Forks on nights such as that one, when the clouds held off long enough to enjoy such a beautiful site. It was something I missed when I was in Seattle; there were too many lights in the big city to see any stars at all.
It took me a moment to realize Quil still hadn't answered. Glancing over at him, I noticed that he, too, was staring at the sky, his expression something akin to panic. "Quil…?" I questioned, turning my body towards his.
"I met with the Elders today."
It was a statement, one that I didn't really understand, but I assumed he didn't want to talk about why he had to meet with the Elders. "How did that go?" I prompted when he didn't elaborate.
His fingers began to drum against his side, his eyes fell closed, and I could feel his body tense next to me.
"Not that well."
Again with the short answer. I sighed, not quite sure what was wrong or what he wanted from me, but wanting to offer him something when he was so visibly distressed. "I'm sorry."
His eyes shot open and over to me, "Don't say you're sorry, you didn't do anything." I was taken aback for a moment by how fierce his voice was, his demanding tone catching me off guard. "Shit, I'm sorry Bella. I'm doing this all wrong."
He sat up then, placing his head in his hands and gripping onto his hair tightly. I wanted to reach out to him, to soothe whatever was bothering him, but I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. I sat up, facing him, and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Hey, look at me," I pleaded in a soft voice.
Quil lifted his face, but his eyes darted everywhere except for to me. I chose to ignore the fact that it hurt to not have him looking at me, "Whatever it is, I'm here when you're ready to talk." He nodded, rubbing his palms across his shorts several times.
His gaze continued to be everywhere but on me, but I watched as he opened his mouth and then shut it several times. "I—," he started once, but then cut himself off abruptly. I sat, waiting patiently, as he gathered himself.
I was startled moments later when his eyes locked on mine, the intensity of his gaze alarming. It was like seeing into his very soul, the anguish, the pain, and most of all—his love, all there for me to see. Something was very, very wrong. Butterflies assaulted my stomach, and I felt slightly nauseous, but I didn't break our stare.
I opened myself to him, letting him see the love I held for him and how he meant more to me than words could express. I wanted - no, I needed for him to know. And he did, I could see it the moment he realized how I truly felt, but his returning expression was one of devastation, another emotion I didn't understand.
"Bella, I need to tell you something," he finally spoke, his eyes searching mine. I nodded slightly to tell him I was listening. "I li—," he was interrupted by a loud crack, as a thunderous downpour of rain was unleashed upon us. I cursed my luck of having been caught in a freak rain storm twice in one day.
Apparently too caught up in one another, we had missed the storm clouds rolling in. We scrambled to gather our things, leaving most of the candles for later, and ran for his house. Both of us were soaked, much more so than I had been earlier in the day. I attempted to wring my clothes out as best as possible before entering his house. I didn't think that Ms. Ateara would appreciate water all over her nice wood flooring.
"I'll get us some dry clothes." Quil motioned for me to follow him back to his room, and I quickly obeyed. I was shivering, the cool air in the house quite unpleasant against my wet skin. Standing near the edge of the bed, but not wanting to sit for fear of getting his things wet, I waited patiently.
Quil opened the top drawer of his dresser, shuffling things around in search of dry clothes for me to wear. It occurred to me that it would be the second time that day that I would be wearing clothing that was not mine, first Jake's and now Quil's. The fleeting thought was gone before I could realize it was there, whose would fit better?
I watched as he yanked on a piece of fabric from the back of one drawer causing something to pop out and land on the floor with a small thud. He froze, hand still firmly wrapped around the offending t-shirt that had dislodged the object in the first place. I looked first at him and then to his feet where a small, perfectly square velvet box had landed.
My eyes widened. It couldn't be. "Is that what I think it is?" I asked timidly, not sure whether I wanted to hear his answer or not.
A loud exhale let me know that Quil had been holding his breath. Very slowly he turned around, making no attempt to reach for the item in question.
"Yes." He offered no further explanation, but the one word was all I needed to hear. Suddenly the past few weeks fell into place— Quil's mysterious disappearance, his standoffish attitude. He had been planning this all along, and he was no doubt nervous and unsure - he knew how I felt about getting married too young.
I felt foolish; I was mortified that I had ever accused him of cheating on me. I had lost my trust in him, and I ached inside when I realized how that must have made him feel.
With a shaking hand I tentatively reached towards what I then knew to be an engagement ring. I questioned Quil with my eyes to make sure it was ok for me to touch it. His expression told me to continue.
I picked it up, cradling it with the fingers of my left hand, as I slowly lifted the lid with my right.
I gasped.
Inside was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. It wasn't large, but I wouldn't have wanted anything other than simple. In other words - it was perfect.
"It's beautiful," I breathed. Quil had yet to say a thing. The next words tumbled out of my mouth before I could think to stop myself, "Is this why you disappeared at the bonfire?"
His gaze, which had been fixed on my hands, snapped up to meet my questioning eyes. We stared, neither speaking, as I watched him think over his response. Something in his expression changed and he turned away from me, continuing his quest for clothing.
"I was going to propose that night," he started, and I tried hard not to show the shock on my face in case he were to glance over. He pushed the top drawer shut and opened another.
"What happened?" I asked when he didn't continue.
"I imprinted."
His voice was so small I wasn't sure I'd heard him correctly. "Excuse me?"
He turned towards me, his eyes slowly lifting mine, and I could tell that he really did not want to tell me. His voice was clear the second time, and I heard every word, "I imprinted Bella."
It felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach, the air whooshing from my lungs. I stumbled back towards the bed and collapsed on the edge, words escaping me.
He imprinted.
Quil… imprinted.
The thought was foreign and unwanted, the very words bitter tasting I mouthed them, trying to convince myself that I'd heard wrong; only … I hadn't. I was vaguely aware that Quil was still speaking to me, no doubt explaining the circumstances under which this travesty had occurred.
"… but then Jake found out, and we end up in this huge fight …"
My head snapped up at his words, "Jake knew?"
Quil stopped speaking immediately, most likely surprised by my sudden acknowledgement of his presence. "Yes, but -"
I cut him off, "Thanks."
I was numb as I stood up from his bed, no longer aware that I was still a sopping wet mess. On autopilot I walked from the house to my truck, thankful that I had left my purse in there earlier because there was no way I would have remembered to grab it. I did not notice Quil following me as I left his room. Nor did I notice his tear stained face standing in the front door way, watching me back out of his drive - out of his life.
Because only one thing was on my mind, Quil was no longer mine. He belonged to someone else.
And Jacob knew.
My brain must've instinctively taken me where I knew I needed to be, but I didn't register the motions. It wasn't until I looked up at the familiar red paint that I realized I'd driven to Jacob's house. I didn't get out of the truck, my hands still gripped the steering wheel to the point that my fingers ached.
The driver door opening did not faze me, warm hands prying me away from the car went hardly noticed, it was only when he spoke that I finally broke from my stupor.
"Bella, honey, are you ok?"
A bitter laugh escaped me and my eyes turned to slits as I glared at the man I'd once called my best friend. "No, I am definitely not fucking ok," I spat, anger surging through me, pushing me to release my inner rage.
His eyes went wide at my words. He tried to reach out to me and I swatted his hands away. "Don't fucking touch me," my thoughts were jumbled, wanting nothing more than to lash out at him. How dare he try to be my friend, he lied to me, he hid things from me.
I didn't acknowledge the pain in his eyes at my rejection, and I ignored his pleading voice. "What did I do?"
I actually snorted at the question. "What did you do? What did you DO? Well, you see, it's more like what you DIDN'T do!" I screamed, not caring who might be around to listen. It was late, completely dark out, and I was getting loud enough to draw attention of the neighbors.
"Bells, please—"
"Don't call me that! How could you not tell me Jacob! How? That he imprint! That he wasn't mine; that he was never going to be mine!" I was breaking down with each word, but I'd be damned before I let Jacob see me do it. "How could you?" The last part came out as barely a whisper, and I slouched back against my truck for support.
Every fear I ever felt, every uncertainty about what Quil was - was coming to fruition. I was angry with Jake for not warning me, I was angry with Quil for being what he was, but most of all I was angry with myself for not being smarter. Once again, I had fallen for a man that was beyond me, out of my reach. I had known that it was inevitable, thinking at least anytime at all with him would be worth it. Although, I never expected in a million years that it would happen so soon, and again I was too hopeful. Perhaps a naive part of me that I wouldn't acknowledge out right thought I would get lucky— I was realizing now just how much of me really thought that, too much of me. What a silly little girl I was to think I deserved him, to think that this could never happen - that our love would be stronger than fate.
Jacob reached out as if to help me, but thought better of it and dropped his hands. Through my own hazy vision I could see his watery eyes, although no tears fell. His expression matched that of Quil's, if not worse, but I couldn't bring myself to feel guilty for what I'd said.
"I'm sorry."
Two words were all that he had to offer me. But it wasn't enough, and I felt the sudden suffocating need to get out of there. I wrench open the truck door and climbed in, throwing the gear in the reverse before Jacob could stop me.
I didn't even make it five minutes before I had to pull over, my body convulsing with gut-wrenching sobs that I tried to hold back. But it was there, on the side of a road, between Forks and La Push that I finally allowed myself to break down. Tears spilled forth, flooding my cheeks, and I wiped the snot from my nose with my sleeve. I was an utter mess, fleeting memories of Alice's phone call weeks ago coming to mind.
"You were crying, Bella, on the side of the road, sitting in your truck. You look so upset, I think something awful happened," Alice explained in a very serious, un-Alice like manor.
"I thought you couldn't see me in your visions anymore?" I tried to not think about the 'why' she could all of a sudden see me, and focused more on the fact that her vision could mean any number of things. If I thought about it too much, I knew it would end up causing me more worry than anything.
"This is the first time I've seen a real vision of your future. I don't know what it means, but I'm worried. Promise you'll call me?"
"Thank you Alice, if something happens, you'll be the first person I call."
After all, who was I to bet against Alice?
She had been right, as predicted, and I knew what I needed to do. I reached over to the passenger seat for my bag, digging aimlessly through tears for my phone. I flipped it open, getting ready to press send when the driver side door opened.
I screamed as I whipped around suddenly, stunned by the person standing there.
"Move over," Leah demanded. I remained still, gaping at her.
She huffed and shoved me across the seat to the passenger side. I didn't even realize I hadn't put on my seat belt; Charlie would be disappointed.
Leah turned the key in the ignition, and I quickly strapped myself into my new seat. Eyeing her wearily, I wasn't sure if I should ask her what the hell she was doing there, or if I should just show my gratitude that she'd gotten me off the side of the road before my father or someone else found me there.
"Thank you," I murmured through sniffles and snotty sobs. I was no longer embarrassed about how I may appear. Leah merely grunted in reply.
She drove me home, not speaking a word, and I'd never been so grateful to find Charlie's cruiser still gone.
"Pack a bag."
I looked over at her in surprise, my eyes wide and questioning. "Why?"
"I'm helping you get out of here."
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